Where Was I?

Sydney Morning Herald

Saturday April 1, 2006

By Sacha Molitorisz

So Canada and Japan have issues with Australia's new tourism campaign? And the Brits banned it before relenting and allowing it. Just goes to underscore how fickle the English can be. As Kathy Lette says, you can't trust anyone from England, because that's where the convicts came from.

The slogan for this controversial new campaign is "Where the bloody hell are you?" Isn't that misleading and deceptive? I reckon you're about as likely to hear an Aussie asking "Where the bloody hell are you?" as you are to see him/her drinking a Foster's. Aussies drink VB or Coopers; non-Aussies drink Foster's.

The "bloody hell" ads begin with characters saying: "We've poured you a beer and we've had the camels shampooed, we've saved you a spot on the beach and we've got the sharks out of the pool." Perhaps, but we've left the cliches sizzling on the barbie. The concluding image is of a woman in a bikini asking "So where the bloody hell are you?"

Australia's tourism bodies have made a habit of peddling inaccurate stereotypes and dangerous half-truths. Paul Hogan's iconic "shrimp on the barbie" slogan from the 1980s may have been effective, but where I live a shrimp is a person of limited stature. As for the "We can't wait to say g'day" campaign, it hardly counted for tourists contemplating applying for refugee status, did it?

Only rarely do such campaigns dare to be honest, as when Jeff Kennett endorsed the "On the move" slogan for Victoria. The quintessence of truth in advertising, it accurately reflected the fact that half his population was relocating to Queensland.

Most often tourism slogans are bland or generic. "Australia. A different light." "Where else but Queensland?" Or the adage sometimes used to spruik Sydney and NSW: "There's no place like it." No, but there's certainly a slogan like it: "There's no place like Hong Kong."

The difficulty is that there are only so many ways to say, "Nice place - wanna visit?" Hence countless destinations trumpet their uniqueness in nigh identical language. Try to guess which countries are promoted by the following slogans. "Uniquely." "Incredible." "Amazing." "Positively transforming." "A destination for the new millennium." The answers are Singapore, India, Thailand, Estonia and Vietnam respectively, but you could jumble destination and slogan with little or no effect.

Then there are "100% Pure", "Get natural" and "Pure. Natural. Unspoiled. The way life should be." (New Zealand, Switzerland, Iceland.) Not forgetting the campaigns where the marketers realise how hard their job is and promptly wave the white flag. That's the only explanation I can surmise for "Greece. Beyond words."

Fortunately, there have been a few outbreaks of imagination. These include Queensland's "Beautiful one day, perfect the next", Thailand's "Happiness on Earth" and the witty "Come to Bangladesh before the tourists." Then there's the endearing simplicity of "Austria. You've arrived." Or "Wales. Big country." Or even "Smile! You are in Spain!"

In the scheme of things, it seems, Australia isn't doing too badly. At least "Where the bloody hell are you?" is cheeky, and the controversy generated by England's temporary ban granted priceless free publicity.

Still, I vote we get even cheekier. Recently an email has been circulating which lists questions and answers given on an Australian tourism website. It might be a harmless hoax, but I like to think these exchanges are real.

A German asked: "Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?" The answer: "No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal."

An American wrote: "Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum." The reply: "Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets."

And so on, each answer a typically Australian blend of humour and irony. Which is precisely the sort of tone Australia needs for its next advertising slogan, don't you think? So, any suggestions?

travel@smh.com.au

© 2006 Sydney Morning Herald

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